


To Love and To Be Loved

by Mrs_Moony



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Death, F/M, First War with Voldemort, M/M, Marauders' Era, POV Remus Lupin, Post-First War with Voldemort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-06-03 20:40:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6625402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_Moony/pseuds/Mrs_Moony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We got together during the fifth year, can you imagine? I was in awe. Constantly aware of him, acknowledging every gesture and every smile. Seeing our hands stuck together, feeling his feather kisses on my face, the texture of his hair in my hands, the warmth of his mouth when we kissed, the feeling in my stomach when I realised that this is it. I love him. I'm in love with him and all is well.<br/>But it wasn't, not really. There was a war raging behind the walls of the castle, bad news reaching us each and every day. Murders, kidnaps, people missing. We knew it's out there, the real world, waiting for us and that it won't go away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Love and To Be Loved

I was told not to depend on other people. That I would get hurt if I did so, that nothing they can offer me would help me cope with the pain after they leave.

Well, I failed. I depended on them so much that it ripped me apart once they were all gone.

But I guess that's what it feels like when you love someone. Their presence in your life becomes so natural, it's like they're a part of your bones, your skin, your blood. It begins with insignificant hints, just gentle reminders of their existence in your everyday life that you suddenly begin to notice.

 

Sometimes, you hear their name in your head, repeated over and over, sometimes just a whisper out of nowhere. Once you realise it all, it's too late. You can't back up now, you don't even know _how_. All there is to you is also them, they are in your cells, they create your memories, there is not a single place in your body or mind where you could get away from them.

 

The thing is, you _love_ that. Absolutely. Because simply, you love _them_. There's no reason for you to want to get rid of them, why would there be? It's amazing how your lives are connected, how you get through every day and the memory of them sometimes brushes around the edge of your thoughts and you can't help it but _smile, every single time_. It feels uplifting… It feels like life.

 

What it feels like when your heart's ripped out of you, when every single memory and emotion and smile and hug and all that you've shared becomes so painful that you can't bear it? That's impossible to describe.

 

I thought I was so lucky, so blessed to have them. It felt so strange when, all of a sudden, there were people who cared about me, genuinely cared, not just because I was their responsibility or because they felt sorry for me. That's what I was thinking at the beginning… but I was wrong, so wrong. They _loved_ me. For who I was, for what made me who I was, for what I stood for and nothing else—they didn't care about the mess that my life was. They jumped into it and made it beautiful.

 

The first train ride to Hogwarts. There are people, so many people. Kids, parents, cats and owls and toads and so much noise. I try not to get sick in front of everyone.

My mother holds my hand, father carries my things. We're in front of the train and mum whispers something into my ear, but I can't hear it, everything's too loud. As soon as they're out of sight, I take my way to the nearest carriage, afraid that it'll be full, but I am lucky.

 

There are only two boys in there, probably first years, just like me. One of them is leaning against the window, his legs folded in the other one's lap. He's got glasses that cover most of his face, his lips formed in a wide smile when he catches my gaze. His hand is immediately offered to me to shake, so I take it while he says:

“Hey! My name's James Potter. This one's Peter”, I noticed the other boy with a pink-like, pale skin and watery, blue eyes, staring at me from under the fringe of yellow hair. He nods at me and smiles fondly, so I do the same.

 

“Nice to meet you guys. I'm Remus, Remus Lupin.” That's when I hear a noise behind my back and I turn around to see another boy bursting into the carriage. “Hallo. My name's Sirius Black.”

 

Who would have guessed it back then? Sure, I immediately liked them, they were funny and nice and none of them seemed to care about my large scar or hand-me-down robes… We just sat there, laughing until we almost cried.

 

I didn't know that there was a bond forming between us, that these people will change my life forever. Nor did I know that about the witty redhead that sat with us at the table, her personality so fierce and strong even in such a young age. I was just happy. 

 

It all changed once their clever minds connected the dots, once they finally realised that they live with a beast.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. How could I have been so daft? How?

They couldn't stay, not after this. They wouldn’t. No one would, that's not something to blame them for.

 

 It still hurts, hurts so much that I get up and storm out of there as soon as I can, ignoring their calls and attempts to stop me.

I need to be alone.

 

It's our second year, deep in the night and I'm looking at the night sky; or at least trying to look through my tear-filled eyes. It's quite easy to spot the stars from the top of Astronomy Tower. They are like little spots on the black velvet. Then my eyes catch the moon and I give up. The tears are hot on my cheeks, making their way down my face, dropping to the ground until I can't hear them through my sobs.

 

I'm startled when I feel a hand on my shoulder, the first instinct is to back up, which means I appear closer to the edge than I would like. I take a step further from the edge, then look up at whoever came to look for me. It's him. Of course it's him.

 

“Remus… you scared us. We looked for you everywhere! Merlin, what happened? Why did you run away?” Sirius looked as pale as the moon when he talked to me, his face frowned, and I could still feel his hand on my shoulder, not letting go. I was confused, tried to work out some sense of his words. Why did I run away?!

 

“Why did you come looking for me?” I ask instead, backing out of his reach until I could feel the cold stone against my back.

 

“What? Well, you disappeared without a word! Come on, we should go to the dorms, James and Pete are still looking for you somewhere.” I don't move an inch, still looking at him in confusion.

 

“But why are you here, Sirius? Why are you talking to me? I am… you know what I am, you lot found out and- I-I'm a monster, I'm not hu-human, you all should just let me be!” My voice fails me, leaving me a sobbing mess as I sit down on the cold floor. I can feel him by my side, so warm, taking me into his arms in spite of my protests.

 

“Hey, hey, it's alright. Remus, listen. It's alright, you're alright, okay? We know that, yeah, but that doesn't mean anything. You are _not_ a monster, you hear me? That's just stupid! You are our friend.” He keeps telling me that until I have no tears in me anymore and dare to look up. Sirius still looks worried, his bottom lip caught between his teeth, but his eyes are so reassuring and gentle…

 

“You're not leaving me?” It's barely a whisper, I'm not even sure I said it aloud. But Sirius smiles and squeezes me in a hug once again, his lips brushing against my ear. “Never.”

 

I didn't expect it, to be accepted like that. All of my friends, all of them were acting as if who I was didn't change things, as if I was still the same. They managed to make me believe it, at least the majority of times. Sometimes I couldn't hold it together and something broke inside me, the fear of hurting them so strong—that was even before they became animagi. When they first came up with the idea, I wasn't taking them seriously.

 

“But come on Moony! That would be so awesome, we could make it easier for you, you know, and also have lots of fun.” James was so excited about it, his brown eyes beaming with determination as he presented me the idea. I only started paying attention to it when it became real, once they've been doing research for nearly a year and didn't seem to drop it.

 

“Guys, I appreciate you want to help, really… but this won't ever work, and even if, I wouldn't let you go with me. That's too dangerous.”

I did. I let them go with me, after a lot of arguments but still… I risked so much. The morning after the first full moon with them, I woke up with no wounds on my body. No scratches, no broken bones, just a few bruises. I felt miserable, of course, but I felt more alive than ever after a full moon.

 

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” That was the first time I noticed how beautiful he looked when he smiled.

 

 

Well, it wasn't the first time, of course. The four of us were best friends, we knew each other so well… but I never looked at Sirius like that, or maybe he never looked at me that way. Like I was the sun. His smile so wide that his teeth were shining through, eyes happy and proud and relieved. I couldn't get enough. I wanted to look at his face until I die.

 

I didn't expect it, the hurt that came with his treason a few months later. The pain was making me shudder and tremble all the time, filling my nights with nightmares about blood, blood, so much blood. And him. Above all the mess, Snape running away, James trying to get him out, the anger I felt… The brightest thing I saw was him, and the very sight of him made me cry in pain. How could he have done that? How?

 

Sometimes things happen unexpectedly. When all you can think about is how confused you are, when you can't even decide what from all the things you feel is real… something just clicks. And so I forgave him. Actually, I forgave him after the first two weeks, I couldn't stand it. But I finally told him that a month later—told him that I know he's sorry, that he's forgiven, that I _missed him so much_.

 

I knew I loved him, back then. I wouldn't admit it just yet, but it was there; that warm feeling, always present in the centre of my chest.

I didn't expect him to love me back. But he did. He did and again, I couldn't believe it. I was so lucky, so happy.

 

We got together during the fifth year, can you imagine? I was in awe. Constantly aware of him, acknowledging every gesture and every smile. Seeing our hands stuck together, feeling his feather kisses on my face, the texture of his hair in my hands, the warmth of his mouth when we kissed, the feeling in my stomach when I realised that this is it. _I love him. I'm in love with him and all is well._

 

But it wasn't, not really. There was a war raging behind the walls of the castle, bad news coming through them every day. Murders, kidnaps, people missing. We knew it's out there, the real world, waiting for us and that it won't go away. But we still had time. We still had a few months.

 

It all came so suddenly, I didn't even realise it. Seven years of living in that castle. Seven years of seeing the same faces. Of sleeping in our dorm (rarely in my own bed, and even then Sirius always crawled into it with me). Leaving felt so unnatural. But we had to, we had to grow up and start our own lives.

James and Lily were happy together, another thing I wouldn't have guessed, and they couldn't be luckier to have each other. It didn't surprise me when they told us about the baby –it wasn't planned, of course, but if someone could manage that at the times of war, it was them. 

 

We had a flat of our own, Sirius and I. It wasn't much, didn't feel like home either, but it was ours. We were so used to each other after the seven years of sharing a dorm, it wasn't like we were learning new habits of ours. But it was different, of course it was because we didn't just share a bed—we shared a life, a home. And we were so in love.

 

The war ruined it all. All the blood we saw, all the pain and sadness and horror… it made us see things that weren't there. We lost some of our trust, not all of it, but there were so many secrets. I couldn't tell him about my missions, he kept disappearing without the answers. We thought we could manage that somehow, that we can just hold onto ourselves and get through the shitty mess that this world had become. And we were so afraid that it wouldn't be enough.

 

That night, there was something hanging in the air. It was like a dull ache in my gut, not quite present but still, it was there. The very last thing I told him is still haunting me in my dreams.

 

“Maybe we shouldn't've started to live together in the first place! Maybe this was all a mistake! We don't even trust each other anymore, so what's the point?” I shut the door behind myself as I ran out of the flat, ran away from the look at his face, from the accusations and mistrust and pain.

 

Remember the part about ripping apart? I can't say that I felt it right away, that I knew. But something was different, something was so wrong it made me sick. When I heard it… I lost it. Completely. All those things that held me together, all the _maybe_ 's, and _later_ 's, and _after_ 's… It was all gone, just like them.

 

“Who did it? Who killed them?” My voice was dead, dead, just like them-

“Sirius Black. He betrayed them. Sirius Black killed Lily and James Potter.” Nothing. There was nothing left. My body felt empty. All I was thinking was _'No, no no. This can't be right, there must have been a mistake. He wouldn't kill them. He wouldn't. He loved them!'_

But there was no one to listen and soon enough, after all the time that passed, after I couldn't even remember the sound of James' laughter clearly, or how exactly Lily used to smile at me all the time… then the realisation hit me with its full force. _It was him. Sirius. He killed them._

 

I don't know how I survived. I didn't think. I couldn't. It was too much.

 

What is it good for? To get a piece of happiness, to feel love, just to have it all taken away? Where's the point? I didn't see it.

Still, I don't really remember how I kept living. Kept surviving, pretending it never happened. But I did, and I ended up on that one place where it all began. I didn't expect it to hit me so strongly. The moment I saw him, I was lost. _James, James, James, Lily, Lily's eyes_. No, Harry. Their son. But he looked so much like them.

 

_“You'll be his godfather, Sirius, who else!”_ Sirius really cried back then, he buried his face in James' chest and then Lily joined them, all of them sobbing a bit but mostly smiling. I was there too, and soon enough they embraced me as well.

 

It's like a rollercoaster. I have everything. I have nothing. And then, there is hope.

 

My hope appeared again that one night in the Shrieking Shack.

It was all a lie, a horrific lie. I trusted it, for twelve long years, I trusted what I was told and I didn't trust him. That made me hate myself so much. Every single thought of him, alone with the dementors, knowing he's innocent. The last time I've seen him before it happened. What I said to him. I swore to never let go of him again. He fitted in my arms perfectly, right where he belonged.

 

Just when we learned to live with each other again, to love each other again, to forgive each other, but mostly ourselves. That's when it got ruined again.

 

The green light hitting his body will be forever burnt on my eyelids, it's all I can think about.

How he fell through the Veil.

How he never hit the ground.

How he was gone, gone, gone, just like them. I'm all alone.

 

I want to end it, I really do. If it was up to me, I would have done so long ago. But they all died protecting this world, one way or another. I would feel like betraying them if I ran away from it.

 

I fall asleep, my breath becoming steadier. In and out. In and out. I know that I can take another breath. And the one after. For them, I can do it.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope the timeline wasn't too confusing... also, please note that this work is not edited, and I'm sorry for any mistakes (English isn't my first language). If I forgot to tag anything, please let me know.


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